


Think Of The Bees John!

by cdelbridge



Category: johnlock - Fandom
Genre: Bee theft, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2020-09-25 10:02:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20374945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cdelbridge/pseuds/cdelbridge
Summary: The boys have a new case.





	1. Chapter 1

“John!” Sherlock Holmes was looking for his husband. “John!”, a bit louder. And finally, “John Watson-Holmes!” This last bit bellowed from the middle of the sitting room.

From the direction of the bathroom, a toilet flushed. Sherlock turned towards the noise and, impatiently, waited for the doctor to emerge. When he finally did so, Sherlock pounced.

“John! We have to go to Greece!”, Sherlock grabbed his husband by the shoulders, turned him towards the bedroom and said, “we need to pack now.”

The doctor looked interested, “a case in Greece? That could be interesting. Do you think we’ll be able to grab some time for us?” Opening the closet door, he pulled out a suitcase and asked, “how long do you estimate we’ll be there?”

“No idea but plan for a week, just in case.” The detective began pacing back and forth, “this has nothing to do with NSY by the way. Do you remember my friend, Constantine, who works at the bee museum?”

John rolled his eyes, “the short, fat guy who looks oddly like a bee? What about him?” He began selecting clothing for both of them.

“He texted me this morning. Someone has broken into the museum and stolen valuable displays.” Stopping to face his husband, he continued, “and they’ve stolen the bees, John! The fucking bees! What kind of sick animal does that?” He began agitatedly pacing again.

”Wait, back up a second.” John emerged from the closet with an armful of clothes. “What do they hope to achieve by stealing the bees?”

”They’re holding the bees for ransom, John. These are a rare, valuable type of bee. If the kidnapper’s demands aren’t met, they’re going to start killing the bees, publicly, via You-Tube.” Sherlock stopped his pacing, sat on the edge of their bed and put his head between his knees. “I feel sick.”

On anyone else, the emotions would have seemed odd but John knew they were genuine. Putting his arms around his husband, the doctor said, “then there’s no time to lose. I’ll finish packing if you make our plane reservations, ok?” At a silent nod from Sherlock, John hugged him tightly and said, “let’s go save some bees then.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Save the bees!

“So,” John turned from the plane window to look at his husband, “how did you meet Constantine? I don’t think you ever told me.”

Sherlock smiled, “I met him at a bee conference. He was the guest speaker.” He leaned back in his seat, more relaxed than he’d been all day. “I wasn’t supposed to be there, I hadn’t registered or anything. I just cruised through to check out the speakers and see if any of them had any sense. I found myself at the main session where Constantine was speaking. He made a point I didn’t agree with, we got into an argument which turned physical which turned into an all out brawl. We bonded on our way to jail. After I bailed both of us out, we continued the argument over dinner. We’ve been friends ever since.”

John smiled, “only you would start a brawl at an event you’re not even registered for!”

“Actually, the organization who sponsored it banned both of us from any future events. I don’t care so much but Constantine is the expert on bees. It’s their loss though.” He and John both laughed. Sherlock continued, “I usually walk through whatever hotel the session is being held at and wave to the organizers just to piss them off. They run around in a tizzy looking for me the whole event.”

John had to laugh, “only you!”

“The last time the event was held in London, I paid several Irregulars to dress in wigs and fake Belstaffs then hang around the hotel where the event was taking place. The organizers kept calling the police. Lestrade finally showed up on my doorstep, telling me to behave and call off my minions.” He smiled at the memory. “I professed total ignorance of course.”

“Of course, you did!” John touched the sharp cheekbone softly and said, “do you have any idea who took the bees and how we’re going to save them?”

“Constantine sent me a copy of the letter, pictures of the area where the bees were kept as well as background on all the employees. I have a couple ideas but we’ll have to wait for the final answer until I see the room where they were kept.” Sherlock leaned his head back against the seat rest but his eyes were open as if his thoughts were already miles away.

John squeezed his hand, “if anyone can save them, it’s you.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Constantine was waiting for them as they made their way off the plane. He was a short, round little man who talked a lot (and seriously resembled a bee). His voice was monotonous unless he was discussing bees, then he became animated and, if you weren’t listening closely, you’d swear he was buzzing. He and Sherlock greeted each other like old friends and the buzzing began. John was amused to see what looked like pollen on his shirt but was probably crumbs or dandruff. Sherlock so owed him.

They made their way through the airport to baggage claim then to the main doors to get a cab. Constantine talked (buzzed) the whole way. John didn’t mind. He’d get Sherlock to translate for him later, there was only so much of the bee expert he could take.

Climbing into the cab, Sherlock let Constantine go first then turned to John, “I love you. I know I owe you and that you’re not listening to a word he says. I’ll explain it all later. We’re staying at a small apartment the museum keeps for guests.” Kissing John lightly and looking deep into his eyes, the detective said, “I’m so glad you came with me and know how much the bees mean to me. Thank you.” He climbed into the cab followed by his surprised, but pleased, spouse.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The “Bee Boy”, John’s words, explains.

The cab ride to the museum wasn’t very long but Constantine never shut up the whole way there. Despite John’s best efforts, some words trickled in. “Buzz buzz buzz diorama buzz buzz penis buzz buzz haircut buzz buzz buzz gone.” John found himself wishing he’d brought something to knock himself out with. Or maybe to knock Constantine out.

Sherlock’s part of the conversation made more sense. “Where were the bees?” “How did the culprit get in?” “How many bees did he take?” “Let me see the room they were in first?” Try as he might, John couldn’t really figure out how Constantine’s comments fit in with Sherlock’s statements. Ah well, he’d ask Sherlock to explain when they were alone.

“Dr. Watson, it would be so much more beneficial if you were the kind of doctor who specializes in bees.” Constantine looked around Sherlock to address John. “I’m afraid you might be somewhat useless to this case.”

Before John could get pissy, Sherlock intervened, “even though John isn’t into bees like we are, his contributions are invaluable.” Looking at the bee man, he added, “if John isn’t welcome Constantine then we’ll leave now. Both of us.”

Constantine, who had less social skills than Sherlock, said, “oh please don’t leave. I’m sure Dr. Watson will be useful somewhere. Maybe he can get drinks or something.”

John shook his head, “or maybe I can bandage your wounds after someone beats the crap out of you.” He glared at Constantine. “Sherlock and I are partners in life and business. Our strengths compliment each other.” He glared at the bee man who looked away.

“Didn’t mean to offend,” he added.

“No offense taken,” John replied and decided Constantine would be now known as Bee Boy. The thought made him smile. Bee Boy misinterpreted the smile but Sherlock did not. He smirked and looked out the window at the scenery. The buzzing started up again. John sighed.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“The bees have a special home in this room,” Bee Boy explained. “They have a special hive with a series of tubes to allow them in and out. The hive has a clear plastic side that allows those of us who love bees,” he glanced at John, “to watch them work.” He gestured at the elaborate system, “sometimes I spend hours here, just watching them work.”

John stopped himself from saying who needs a girlfriend when you have bees. He bit his lip and turned away.

Sherlock was bouncing all over the room spouting out observations, “the thief was small. They got in through this door.” Taking a deep whiff, he said, “they used a smoker to stun the bees and removed them in these trays.” He gestured to the empty hive. Turning to Bee Boy, Sherlock said, “Constantine, can you show us to our rooms and give us access to all the spaces here?”

Bee Boy nodded his head. “Find anything?”

“Yes, but I need to do some research on my laptop. We’ll meet you for dinner if you’d like but right now I need to be alone.” John knew this wasn’t aimed at him.

“Come along then.” Bee Boy opened the door and gestured for them to follow. 

John grabbed his husband’s hand and squeezed. Five more minutes with Bee Boy and John wouldn’t be responsible for his actions.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wait, what?

Constantine escorted them, reluctantly, to their rooms and gave Sherlock keys and a passcard to all areas of the museum. He left them after promising to meet for coffee.

John closed the door on the Bee Boy and turned to his husband. “So? Any ideas?”

“Actually yes. I’m pretty sure I have the culprit but not all the answers.” Sherlock began pacing the floor. “Constantine had a girlfriend until recently.”

John nearly choked. “A girlfriend? Was she human?”

The detective stopped pacing and said, “hard to believe but yes. They broke up over bees.”

“Dare I ask why?” John had started unpacking their suitcases while Sherlock continued pacing and waving his hands.

“You’ll laugh but she, Eve, got tired of playing second fiddle to bees and told Constantine them or me.” Sherlock opened up his laptop and sat at the small table. “He chose the bees. She’s never forgiven him and I believe she’s taken the bees.

”I’m going to hate myself,” John said as he hung up things in the closet, “but what does she look like?”

Sherlock grinned, “I only met her once but I nearly screamed when I was introduced. She looked like a female Constantine.”

John leaned against the wall laughing, “of course she does. Can you imagine if they’d had children?”

Sherlock smirked and added, “the funny part is she was talking about children and Constantine said he wasn’t ready for larvae. I nearly hurt myself trying not to laugh.” 

John stopped his unpacking and came up behind his husband. “Larvae?!”, he asked as he put his arms around Sherlock and they both laughed. “I’m trying to imagine Bee Boy pick up lines. Wanna see my stinger baby?” They both laughed.

”No, no,” Sherlock was laughing so hard he was wheezing, “Hey baby, I like your stripes! Wanna pollinate?”

John wiped his eyes and tried to be serious again, “have you told Constantine?”

”I tried but he didn’t believe me. I’m going to do some research for awhile.” Sherlock frowned, “you won’t be bored will you?”

”Not at all.” John walked back to their suitcases. “I have some research to do as well and I’m going to order in some dinner.”

Sherlock grunted his approval.

”Wait a second. Do we have a deadline?” John asked, hand on the phone.

“She hasn’t given a definite deadline. I think she was hoping to get Constantine’s attention and hasn’t thought that far ahead. We need to find her before she does something rash,” Sherlock replied.

”OK, let me order dinner and then we can get started.” John said into the phone, “yes I’d like to place an order for delivery.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Constantine doesn’t get it.

“Constantine!” Sherlock restrained himself from shouting, “remember Eve, your ex-girlfriend?”

The bee man looked blankly at the detective. “Eve. What about her?”

“She took the bees!” Even John was impressed with Sherlock’s self control.

“Why would she do that? She hates bees!” The Bee Boy stared across the table at Sherlock while he sipped his coffee. “And besides,” he added, “she left me.”

The detective seriously looked like he was going to thump his head on the table. Or maybe Constantine’s. John tried, “well, maybe she hasn’t gotten over you and is trying to get your attention.”

The bee man looked confused, “why would she do that?”

John was ready to join Sherlock with the head thumping by this point. “I don’t know! Maybe she wants you back!”

“Why?” The Bee Boy looked bewildered.

“Beats the fuck outta me!” Sherlock said loudly. “Maybe you’re great in bed or something.” He rolled his eyes so far with this last statement that John was worried he’d dislodged something.

“There’s that.” Constantine acknowledged. “It could also be because of my thirteen inch stinger.”

“And I’m done!” John threw up his hands, grabbed his coffee, and walked out of the cafe. Sherlock, unsurprisingly, was right behind him.

They walked to the crosswalk and crossed the street. After almost another whole block of walking, John finally managed, “did that fucking moron just say thirteen inch stinger?”

Sherlock, walking next to him, said, “I’ve worked really hard on not allowing images such as that to form on my mental screen.” They kept walking, both trying not to envision a well-endowed Bee Boy. Finally the detective stopped and said, “I have a new experiment in mind. Physical repulsiveness in relation to length of penis. I’m sure it’s the only way such men could get laid.” He shuddered.

John had stopped as well and turned to face his husband, “nice idea but then you’d have to measure such erections and that’s just not something I want to see in my kitchen.” They both leaned against a nearby building and laughed.

Finally, the laughing stopped and John asked, “so now what?”

“We have to find the freaky bee girl on our own before she harms the bees!” Sherlock looked thoughtful.

John grabbed his arm and said, “let’s go back to the museum. We need to save the bees. And maybe drink heavily to get these images out of my head. I’m not sure what’s worse, the supposed length or that he refers to it as a stinger!” Arm in arm, they headed off.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bee Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you’re curious, when Eve asks if John is a fluffer, a fluffer’s job is to keep the male porn actors hard between takes. Just expanding your minds a little!

“OK Sherlock,” John slowly turned in circles as he looked about, “what exactly are we looking for?” They were in a backroom at the bee museum surrounded by bee paraphernalia. Most were things John had never seen before and didn’t particularly want to know the function of.

Sherlock, meanwhile, was busy examining the walls, running his hands over seams and pushing at odd spots. He was also muttering to himself. John was about to yell, “Sherlock!”, when the wall moved aside with a groan.

John rolled his eyes. “That is exactly what was missing, a secret room!” Moving closer to his husband, they both peered into the little room which was empty of bees but seemed to have everything else, including Constantine who was sitting on a box with his head in his hands, crying. Seeing red, John spouted, “What the fuck Constantine!” He clenched his hands into fists and moved into the room.

Sherlock put a large hand on his shoulder, “John, that’s not Constantine!” At his husband’s baffled expression, he elaborated, “it’s Eve, his ex-girlfriend.”

At the mention of her name, the crying figure looked up and glared at Sherlock. “Took you long enough!” Her voice was oddly high and squeaky, like she needed oiled. She climbed awkwardly off the box then stood in front of them scowling. “What kind of a detective are you? You should have had this solved days ago!” She turned to John, “and who are you, the fluffer?”

John ignored the insults and just stared. At first glance, Eve was Constantine’s twin, from the bee resemblance to their similar dress. The only real differences were the voices, apparent genders and the odd antenna-like ponytails she wore in her hair.

Sherlock, who had been remarkably well-behaved thus far, threw self control and manners out the window. “Listen to me, you ignorant little troll!” He glared down at her from his greater height, “days ago?? You took the bees, what, last night? Was I supposed to read your fuzzy little mind from London and stop you before you committed the crime? At best your buzzing sounds like static and I’d have blocked it out.” Standing arrogantly in front of her, he went on, “so where are the bees? You’ve lost them haven’t you? Did you hope to hurt Constantine or win him back?”

“Neither! I don’t need him!” She looked down at her shoes, “well, maybe both.” She glared up at Sherlock and shook her finger at him, “I was going to save them and present them to Constantine. He’d be so happy, we’d get back together.”

“That has got to be the dumbest, most juvenile plot I’ve ever seen!” The detective threw his hands up, “where are the bees now?”

“I don’t know!” Eve squeaked. “They were in their containers, stunned by the smoke. I put them in my car and went back to get my bag. When I came out, my car was gone.”

John couldn’t restrain himself, “so someone stole your car full of a rare, stunned bee that you had stolen from the National Bee Museum to win back your boyfriend? What are you, twelve?”

“You don’t have to be rude!” She crossed her arms and looked at both men, “so, are you going to help me get them and Constantine back or what?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bees!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Innerspectrum, I keep seeing two Ron Jeremy look alikes. She really needs self control!

“So,” John looked at his husband, “what are we going to do?”

“Well, I could not care less about the Bee Twin’s love life.” Sherlock said in disgust. “We need to find the damn bees!” He paced back and forth in their rooms, ranting and thinking as he walked. He stopped suddenly and looked at his husband, “wait, we only have Eve’s word that her car was stolen. What if it was towed because she was in a no-parking area or blocking traffic or something?”

John looked at Sherlock and nodded, “I could easily see her parking wherever she felt like because she’s so damn oblivious to rules or other people. And she wouldn’t necessarily want to report it stolen or ask what happened to it because it’s full of rare, stolen bees. Kind of hard to explain.”

Sherlock nodded as he reached for his phone, “let me call and see. I wouldn’t be lucky enough for it to be that easy but you never know.”

~~~~~~~

“OK,” John said, “so they didn’t tow her car. Now what?”

Sherlock was pacing again, “get a list of hospitals, John. I’m wondering if the thief didn’t notice the bee containers or didn’t know what they were. He gets in, I’m sure Eve left the keys in the car, and drives off. I’m willing to bet the containers weren’t sealed well so when their smoker induced lethargy wore off, they woke up, pissed as hell and went for the driver. He gets attacked by a swarm of pissed off bees, who don’t die when they sting you by the way, John. He wrecks, leaps out of the car and runs. We need to find that car John!”

John reached for his laptop, “You’re thinking the driver got stung so badly he ended up in hospital? Split the list with me and we’ll each call half.” The doctor started typing.

~~~~~~~~

Sherlock, John and Constantine stood on the side of the road, staring at Eve’s wrecked vehicle. The front end was bashed in, the driver’s side door was open and there were bee containers strewn about, some open. Constantine was arranging his beekeeper garb and John could hear bleating and buzzing sounds coming from underneath the head covering. The bee expert finished adjusting his gear and awkwardly ran to the car.

John looked at his spouse, “you found them!” He grabbed Sherlock’s hand and squeezed.

Sherlock squeezed back as he watched Bee Boy pull containers from the wreck and croon to them. “Not really that difficult, even the ones that escaped will probably find their way home again. In the end, the harm is negligible.”

“The guy who stole the car wouldn’t agree,” John pointed out.

“He got what he deserved.” He watched Constantine carry the containers to the car. “Now we need to see what he’s going to do about Eve.”

John rolled his eyes and groaned as they followed Bee Boy to the car.

~~~~~~~~

Eve was glaring at them, even her antennae-like hair seemed annoyed. “Are you sure you’re a detective? Took you long enough to find them.”

Sherlock’s emotions had run the gamut in the last thirty-six hours and he’d had his fill of the Bee Twins. “You’re lucky the bees are safe. Personally, I’d throw your nasty bee arse in jail and let you rot. And oil your vocal cords or something, every time you speak, I want to shout “oilcan” like in The Wizard of Oz.” Turning to Constantine, he said, “ordinarily this would be a freebie but I’m so fucking annoyed with you two that I’m charging double”

Bee Boy waited for the detective to run down before he spoke up, “Sherlock, I’m sorry to have inconvenienced you. And John. We only lost two bees but I’m sure they’ll come home soon. If you’d like to stay a few days extra, the guest apartment is at your disposal. John, I’m sure you have better things to do but if you’d like to stay as well, I guess that would be ok.”

John just shook his head. They could not escape fast enough. He reached for Sherlock’s hand but stopped when Eve squeaked, “we haven’t shared our good news, Honey Bee.”

John braced himself and gripped his husband’s hand.

Constantine walked over to Eve, grabbed her hands, then turned to the husband’s. “Eve has admitted she can’t live without my stinger so we’re getting married this weekend. If you’d stick around Sherlock, you could be my second. Oh and John, you could come as well, I guess.”

John felt his mouth fall open but Bee Boy wasn’t done. “Oh and since we’re both pagan, the ceremony will be skyclad (nude). You guys can be nude as well.”


	8. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And further more...

John was happily typing up their latest case from his side of their partners desk when he heard Sherlock shriek. Jumping up and running to his husband’s side, totally prepared to save him from he knew not what, he looked around frantically for the big bug he knew had to be there. Nothing. Following his husband’s wide-eyed look of horror to his email, John found himself shrieking as well. There was a large, full-color picture of Constantine and Eve at their wedding. Naked.

“I guess we should be happy that he’s not erect.” Sherlock murmured.

“There is a god!” John said as he shuddered and moved back to his side of the desk.


End file.
